THE ABSENCE OF THE MAT
For five years of my life I was a gymnast. Gymnastics was my life. I'm pretty sure if you took an X-Ray of my lungs, there would be way too much chalk. Gymnastics challenged me beyond belief. The adrenaline it gave me was like no other. (I am a huge adrenaline junky). Gymnastics also taught me courage. Courage to conquer my fears, mental blocks, and doubts if I would land on my two feet. Gymnastics was my outlet. As I got older, my love for the sport grew deeper and deeper, meaning my level of difficulty grew greater and greater. As I grew as a competitor in the sport, it also grew fear to many things. One being none other than the balance beam. At this point in time, I had a huge growth spurt. I was once 5'0 feet tall and tiny as could be, and then the next minute I was 5'2 and my legs were longer than my entire body. This meant it was easier for me to fall off the beam while doing crazy tricks like full turns, front tuck dismounts, and back-walkovers because my legs would get in the way! But, what calmed my nerves and helped me conquer these intense skills on a two inch wooden beam was the mat underneath the beam.
At my gymnastics club, my teammates and I all leveled up together year after year. Meaning we grew together, championed each other, clapped for each other, and got excited together. We spent 16 hours a week give or take together. Had millions of chalk fights, laughed in our gyms lobby on our ten minute break, and grew as gymnasts together. So, when we moved up to what USA Gymnastics calls "Excel Gold from silver" (a program for top level gymnasts who competed in gymnastics for fun, rather than going elite). This jump from silver to gold meant so much for us. So as we grew better and better as gymnasts, that meant the gymnastics apparatuses had to be even higher. Meaning our vault settings went from 110 to 125, the uneven bars got even farther apart, and our beam settings got higher.
On our first summer practice as "the Golds" our coach asked us to make the beams higher. I can distinctly remember our faces becoming more red by the second. But, as top level gymnasts now, we did what our coach said. So, we changed our beam setting. We hopped up on beam and started our warm ups. My fear grew bigger as skills got more intense such as holding handstands, cartwheels, and dismounts. But, what helped me calm this fear like I said was the mat under the beam. And although I knew deep down I could do these skills on beam, I felt more comfortable with a mat underneath the beam. Low and behold, after hours and hours of hard practices, mental blocks and injuries later, my team and I started our competition season.
Gymnastics competitions are held in one of two places. Either a gym like the ones we train in, or they are held in convention centers. Our first "big girl" competition as Golds was at a convention center. And let me tell you, convention center apparatuses are scary! Not only are these apparatuses shiny and new, but also surrounded by the convention center floor. As a gymnast, it is insanely scary to compete around cemented floor rather than the comfort of squishy mats around you. As our group came upon the beam rotation we realized that the balance beam had no mat underneath it. Anxiety rushed through my body. But, ever since starting gymnastics, it taught me to find the bravery to take the step of fear. What was I going to do, NOT compete on beam? So when I hopped on the beam for my warm up I went through my series of skills with shaking hands and buckling knees. As I started warming up these skills not only did I play them safer than I usually did, but for most of them I fell off the beam. Those falls were not harming in anyway, but the fall from the 125 beam setting I competed on was a far drop down to the floor. As my coach got frustrated about our irrational fear that there was no mat under the beam she told us to practice on the floor instead and prepare to compete.
As I stood there to compete, 13 year old Samantha's heart was beating out of her chest. As I touched the beam and started my routine, it was like the whole world stopped. I'm not the first gymnast to say when they compete its like nothing else matters in the world. Because for us, nothing else does. So as I gracefully competed these skills I pretended like the mat was still there. I ended up scoring a 9.3 on the balance beam. A personal best.
So what does this story have to do with anything relevant? Let me tell you. The mat under the balance beam did absolutely nothing expect comfort us. It did not save us from injuring ourselves or give us a higher score. All the mat did was help us face the fears we had on this apparatus. It gave us a sense of courage, to do scary things. It gave us bravery to help us fly gracefully. This mat taught us that our possibilities as a gymnast are endless if we just took it away and believed in ourselves.
It wasn't the mat itself but the fear of what would happen if the mat was taken away. It felt like the end of the world. Our comfort was taken away from us. But what was taken away from us was only the first step to fulfill our potential.
There will be moments where our mats get taken away from us. It feels like the whole world is ending. Our world is rocked to it's core. We've felt like we have lost everything. We have lost what is so normal and comfortable. Many of us, including myself strive on normalcy. Normalcy keeps us stable. It keeps us comfortable. Because when you live in a society where things are ever changing, it is easy to hold tight to our mat. That mat is our everything. It is our safe space. Whether its community, friends, family, a sport, a hobby. It is hard to walk away from something you are not ready to let go of.
As hard as loosing your mat is, there is something so brave, and so special about removing that comfort from your life. There is something so special about stepping out and picking up your pen to continue a new chapter. Sometimes there will be days you long for your mat to be under you again. Sometimes the mat is needed for you to learn valuable lessons. I would have never learned to flip on a two inch wooden beam without the mat under me when learning these skills. there will be seasons in your life where you need comfort and stability. But, there will be also seasons where the mat will be so quickly taken away from you. You will stand on your balance beam and wonder what in the world you are going to do.
From one Grey's Anatomy super fan to the next, "Sometimes it's good to be scared. It means you still have something to loose" - Richard Weber. Change is scary, but it is also necessary in order to grow your faith, and step into this life God has planned for you. If you are holding tight onto a mat that is not serving you anymore, think of all the possibilities you will miss out on if you continue to hold on to it.
So, after this long winded blog about gymnastics, and my crazy experience with loosing the mat, I hope this encourages you to keep growing, keep trying and always have the courage to fly.
You got this sister!!
XOXO, Sam.
