MY WHY.
I always get asked about my big “WHY” behind pageantry. WHY do I compete in pageants?
If we are honest, sometimes I even ask myself that question.
WHY do I do pageantry? When I was younger, my reason was dressing up in fancy gowns, being escorted by my dad, and feeling on top of the world. I felt so very special. As a sassy seven-year-old, I knew the stage was meant for me. Throughout my journey as a competitor, I have gone through seasons where my whys have changed drastically. Not too long ago, my why behind the crown was the crown. I was placing my identity in success, thinking it would make me whole. This specific why stole so much joy from me. I lost sight of why I started this crazy journey in the first place. And since then, I have rewritten my why while taking back that joy that was once lost.
This past July, I competed at National American Miss for the title of Miss California Teen. The journey toward the crown this year was so special. It was special because the journey was short and sweet. With only a couple of months to prepare for competition through the thick of being a graduating senior and, quite honestly, just being an average teenager, who made normal activities like beach days, sleepovers, and crazy six-flag trips, this journey was one to remember.
As my plane landed in blazing hot Arizona, I prayed this weekend would be one to remember. A weekend of clarity. I prayed that God would redefine my why. He would rewrite what I thought I had to write in the past. I prayed for peace through every competition. Little did I know God brought to life more than I could imagine.
This time, my honorary “big sister” Kaylee and I got to compete at the state pageant together. This has not happened to us since almost 2016. You can imagine our excitement as we walked through this weekend together. Before every competition, we prayed for each other, hyped each other up, and even laughed at each other over the silliest things. We took the weight off each other. This year was “our year.” I competed in the teen division this year, while Kaylee competed in the Miss division. As you can imagine, our excitement grew with the knowledge that we could be sister queens. After eight years of friendship and championship together, this was it.
Before my final competition, hours before the new Miss California Teen was crowned, Kaylee and I sat down together before I had to go backstage. We talked about what we would do if one of us didn't win. Most importantly, we reminded ourselves of God's plan for our journey. Win or lose, and we know that our God is with us through whatever He has planned for the two of us.
Throughout the finale, my nerves were higher than ever. My name was called second for the top five. As I walked on stage, Kaylee stood proudly in the back of the ballroom with her hands over her mouth. As I stood next to four deserving and capable girls, I got called the fourth runner-up to the title of Miss California. Shortly after, my mom and Kaylee came up to me backstage. Tears started to fill my eyes, and I felt my heart sink to my stomach.
After my finale, I ran up to my hotel room to put a change of clothes on, and then I got a front-row seat to watch my big sister's finale. As they called the top five, my hands started sweating, and my heart beat out of my chest. Tears started to welt in my eyes as they called the second runner-up. As they called the first runner-up, I stood up as fast as possible and cried my eyes out. Tears ran down my face as they called Kaylee your new Miss California. I was so happy for my girl. I knew God would do big things through her journey as a competitor.
The exact moment!
As I look at my mom, she whispers in my tears, "I know you're happy for her and still disappointed in yourself ."My heart was in a million directions. We knew that this was a possibility, yet at that moment, I couldn't help but feel so happy for Kaylee. So happy about her journey to nationals. As I ran up to the front of the stage, I hugged Kaylee, and we sobbed in each other's arms. I just kept saying how proud of her I was. At this very moment, I heard God say, "you're not done yet."
So, as I stepped on the plane back to California, I realized that big things had happened that weekend. It may not have been the coveted crown and banner, but I gained much more. God redefined my why. The moment of seeing my big sister win Miss California after twelve years of persistence was beyond what I could have hoped for.
Pageantry is so much more than the sparkly crown and banner. And although disappointment is so very real in this industry, our story of sisterhood defines what pageantry should be.
So, the truth behind my why is this: It's not about the score, the dress, the stage time, or the awards. It's about the ability to clap for the ones around you. Your sister's win should be your win too. So very often, we get caught up in the thick of competition and need to remember why we started in the first place. But, the truth behind it all is SO simple. It's cheering for the ones around you while knowing your time is coming soon enough. And before then, you get to be your best friend's biggest hype girl!
